Log in

March 2013   01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31

Oh, my!

Posted on 2011.08.13 at 22:25
Location: Home
Mood: amusedamused
Music: "Perform This Way" ~ Weird Al Yankovic

I didn't think it was possible to laugh until you cried.  I was wrong.


Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.  A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.  The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Julie.  What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer.  The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short-lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing a woman adequate time to retreat to safety.

WAY TOO COOL!  Long story short, I bought the devise and brought it home.  I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pressed the button.  Nothing!  I was disappointed.  I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.  AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave...

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?  There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.  I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second), but thought better of it.  She is such a sweet cat.  But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.  Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, tazer in the other.  The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant, a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control, and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.  Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while, I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5-inches long, less than 3/4-inch circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries, thinking to myself, 'No possible way!'.  What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'Don't do it, Dipshit,' reasoning that a one-second bust from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.  I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.  I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...


I'm pretty sure Jesse Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body-slammed us both onto the carpet, over and over and over again.  I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.  The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before while clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!  You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.  A three second burst would be considered conservative?  IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.  My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.  The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.  My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.  My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 pounds.  I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently, I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.  I saw a faint cloud of smoke above my head, which I believe came from my hair.  I'm still looking for my nuts and am offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S. My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!  If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!"

Sent to me by my uncle several months ago.  Found it again tonight as I was cleaning out my inbox.  This one's a keeper for when I have a bad night!  :D


her heaven is never enough
Aria _lyra_b at 2011-08-14 14:51 (UTC) (Link)
Hahaha - you're right, only a man. I was really afraid for a second that he was going to test it on the cat.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
This line cracked me up the most. That is SO male.

Thanks for giving me a good laugh.
Aria missdusk8806 at 2011-09-26 19:10 (UTC) (Link)
Oh my gosh, that is absolutely hilarious. Thanks for sharing!
Previous Entry  Next Entry